Rape fantasies are actually really common among survivors of sexual violence because it allows us to take control of a situation where we had none in the past. Acting out a violent situation like this with a trusting partner allows you to reclaim your right to take back the situation, and to stop if need be. Safewords are really important here, obviously, as is aftercare.
There is nothing wrong with you. You experienced a trauma that was not under your control and your desires to act this out may be to take that feeling back or it may have nothing at all to do with it. Many survivors think, “If I have rape fantasies it means I wanted it, right?” No. There is a huge difference between wanting to act it out in a controlled, healthy, and safe dynamic and having it happen to you against your will.
Trust me when I say you’re okay. Trust me when I tell you this is common and that this can be an effective supplement to recovery, if that’s something you want to try. Read my guide on aftercare before you do it, but don’t think you shouldn’t try it because of your past.
What happened to you is not your fault. These fantasies are not a reason to feel guilty or bad. You did nothing wrong and you deserve to be happy and safe. Please don’t ever think you’re wrong for wanting to try something in a consensual sexual relationship. Please remember that your trauma should not control your life like that.
Agreed, having dealt with a traumatized partner, its important for you to share your feelings with your partner so they can support you and help you along the way as well.